The Summit Through the Clouds

I am not sure how many times I started this trek up this “mountain.” I do know that every failed attempt was a result in poor preparation and just plain cluelessness. But this time I have the knowledge, the proper equipment, and the best Sherpa around in the form of my loving and supportive husband. I know this journey will not be easy but I feel more ready than ever and look forward to the challenge of my life and given the other mountains I have conquered that is saying a lot.

On February 13, 2008 as I lay in the Emergency Room recovering from the worst pain I have ever felt in my life I had a moment of clarity. I realized at that moment hooked up to the IV dripping Morphine into my system that too much of my adult life has been spent in hospitals, waiting rooms, labs, and doctors’ offices. My last 8 years have been dedicated to fighting cancer, infertility, a devastating miscarriage, and my latest ailment… gallstones. The gallstones were both the cause of my latest hospital visit and a direct result of my obesity. As I lay there, in the one place I hate more than anywhere, being bombarded by painful memories of all the past times I was in similar positions, it dawned on me… it was all my fault.

The cancer was out of my control. The infertility and miscarriage may or may not have been a result of my weight, but the gallstones… this I knew for sure was my own fault. This was the first solid “confirmation” that my weight was making me sick. I know that sounds crazy. Why on earth did I need confirmation that my weight was unhealthy!? Fat=unhealthy. I know that but I thought I had time… I thought that putting off a lifestyle change was OK. I am relatively young and to date I haven’t had any real proof that my weight was hurting me aside from emotionally. Good blood pressure and only slightly high cholesterol levels to which I rationalized by thinking that the majority of people have to have high cholesterol, we are a fast food nation after all. I was so wrong. Not only was I ignoring the truth of my situation, I was also pissing on the second chance I got at life after beating cancer. What kind of fool beats cancer only to fall victim to the life-threatening diseases and conditions that come hand and hand with obesity? The kind that has used food her whole life ease feelings of inadequacy, sadness, and loneliness. The kind who also uses food as a reward and to celebrate every tiny victory. The kind who feels completely hopeless after seeing the numbers on the scale reach unthinkable highs thinking, “I am too far gone, why ever bother?” which is quickly followed by a bowl of pain-numbingly good ice cream. Simple put… me. I am that fool.

Being fat is like wearing a badge that says, “I have issues” and not in the ironic sort of way that is popular with kids nowadays. Years ago I read an interview with Luther Vandross. He was a singer that battled weigh gain, suffered from diabetes, and died at the age of 54 of a stroke all within the public eye. He said something that stuck with me… Being overweight is like being an open addict. For example, you can have a co-worker who is an alcoholic that goes home each night and drinks himself into a stupor and you would never know. But if your addiction is food then it’s out there for the whole world to see and judge you based on it.

The truth of the matter is no one is fat for no reason. I am a firm believer in dealing with the reason for a person’s obesity before actually starting a diet and exercise program. When obese people sets out to better themselves without first coming to terms with why they are obese it is simply treating the symptoms not the disease. Even it does works for a while and the weight is coming off, inevitably failure will follow. Whether that failure is in the form of gaining the weight back or becoming addictive in another unhealthy way, the feelings and emotions responsible for the self-destructive behaviors will still be there to derail all attempts at a healthy life. Trust me, I know. The most weight I have ever lost at any given time was a whopping 15 lbs. Why? Because I was never ready to lose the weight. I have never felt strong enough to deal with the reasons I am fat therefore any and all attempts I have made in the past to “diet” failed… quickly. That is until now.

Through a convergence of events, spurred on by my Emergency Room visit, I am now poised to start my journey up the “impossible” mountain. I am straining my neck trying to see the summit, the ultimate goal. But I realize now that the mountain is so high that there is no way to see it. So, I can only look straight ahead and taking one step at a time I start my journey.