Leaves and Branches

I thought I had prepared myself for the emotional aspects of this journey, well partially at least. I knew this was going to be difficult and I would have to face a lot of self-doubt and fear in order to move forward. The one thing that I was not prepared for was the vulnerability I have been feeling.

The past few weeks have been highly emotional. I find myself taking things more to heart and when something is bothering me I start to fixate on it until I can find a resolution and in some cases there is none. . . It’s becoming really annoying. Things that shouldn’t be getting to me have become huge deals and I am bothered that I am bothered!! For the most part I have been feeling good and optimistic but when things come up I just cannot shake the “blue” feeling. I am not really referring to anything specifically. I think it’s just my overall emotional state at this point.

I found this very interesting info at Coping.Org under their “tools for personal growth” and apparently the emotions I have been feeling are pretty typical for someone on a journey like mine. I found the following points were pretty spot on to what I am going through right now:

Vulnerability is:

• Feeling of being fragile, weak, or susceptible to emotional pain and suffering.
• Opening of yourself to the possibility of growing as a person in your emotional and spiritual dimensions.
• Allowing of oneself to search and probe the past for hidden or unresolved emotions, feelings, or grief responses that lie at the root of current immobilized emotions, feelings, or actions.
• Trying out of new behavior traits, attitudes, or beliefs in the pursuit of personal growth.
• Unrelenting pursuit of truth and clarity about self through the requesting, encouraging, and welcoming of honest feedback about oneself, even if such feedback is negative.
• Willingness to take chances and try new experiences, challenges, or activities even though the outcome is unsure.

It also goes on to outline how and why people avoid feeling vulnerable and the benefits of allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It seems to me that vulnerability and change go hand in hand. Change is hard whether it is welcome or not. In order to change it is often necessary to strip away everything in an effort to find something hidden under the layers good enough to build upon. Aside from the emotional aspect, habits are extremely difficult to break. I was once told that a habit, good or bad, needs at least 21 days to take affect. I am not sure the truth behind this but it is somewhat telling. We are resistant to change.

I believe that as a generality we all crave security. We all want to know what’s around the corner and if maintaining the status quo helps to assure that no real surprises arise then so be it. We plod along hoping that things don’t get shaken up. But what if your status quo is unhealthy? Whether it be a lifestyle issue, like my own, or being in an abusive relationship, or just being unhappy in general- then change is necessary and ultimately will be freeing.

I am hoping that these feelings subside soon but I am trying my best to understand them and learn from them. I reread a passage in my favorite book last night as a reminder to let little things go. In Musashi, Eiji Yoshikawa tells the tale of Musashi Miyomoto, arguably Japan’s most famous swordsman known for his unique style of using both his katana (long sword) and wakizashi (short sword). In my favorite chapter called The Circle Musashi is seeking words of wisdom from the priest Gudo and vows to follow him day and night until he shares just one word of wisdom to help him on his path to enlightenment. After weeks of following him he arrives at the gate of a temple with a sign, the last three lines read:

“Like our great predecessors,

Do not merely pinch off the leaves

Or concern yourself only with the branches.”

And the passage continues:

“Musashi reread the last two lines. Leaves and branches… How many people were thrown off course by irrelevant matters? Was he himself not an example? While the thought seemed to lighten his burden, his doubts would not go away. Why would his sword not obey him? Why did his eyes wander from his goal? What prevented him from achieving serenity?

Somehow it all seemed so unnecessary. He knew that it was when one had pursued the Way as far as possible that vacillation set in and one was attacked by fretfulness– leaves and branches. How did one get at the core and destroy it?”

Musashi finally catches up with Gudo hoping for the words to ease his turmoil. Musashi knelt and closed his eyes and the priest simply drew a circle around him and walked away. At first Musashi was incensed that the priest would not help him until he looked down at the circle.

“A perfectly round line, no beginning, no end, no deviation. If expanded infinitely, it would become the universe. If contracted, it would become coequal with the infinitesimal dot in which his soul resided. His soul was round. The universe was round. Not two. One. One entity– himself and the universe.

With a click, he drew his sword and held it out diagonally. His shadow resembled the symbol for “o”. The universal circle remained the same. By the same token, he himself was unchanged. Only the shadow had changed.

‘Only a shadow’, he thought ‘The shadow is not my real self.’ The wall against which he had been beating his head was a mere shadow, the shadow of his confused mind.

He raised his head and a fierce shout broke from his lips.

With his left hand, he held out his short sword. The shadow changed again, but the image of the universe– not by one whit. The two swords were but one. And they were part of the circle.”

He ran off to apologize to the priest but he stopped and thought:

“It’s only leaves and branches.”

I read Musashi in 2001. I finished it shortly after the radiation treatment for my cancer. I adopted the saying “Leaves and Branches” to help me through the tough times and repeat it to myself often. I still use it to this day, if you’ve ever received an email from me it is the quote I use as my signature. I need to remember it now more than ever and borrow from the strength it once gave me. The good and bad aspects of this journey are all part of “the circle.”