“Perfect”

It’s no news here… I have been struggling on my journey for the last month or so now. Have I wondered if I can do this? Yes. Have I cried about it? Yes. Have I stomped my feet and pouted like a little kid at times? Yes. Have I given up? No. And I refuse to give up… not this time.

Sunday we are starting our 28 Day Detoxification Cleanse and I have to say that I am looking forward to it. It is my hope that the structure and rigidity of the cleanse will help be get my head back in the game. I know that there will be challenges during the cleanse but I am sincerely excited about how this will help me along in my journey. I am not looking for miracles and I am not expecting weight loss (the cleanse is not designed for weight loss) but I am expecting an attitude adjustment on my part. Twenty years of unhealthy habits have proven extremely difficult to shake.

This is not happening overnight and some days will be better than others. There is no such thing as a “perfect” day or “perfect” week so I need to stop fixating on trying to achieve them. As Jodi told me yesterday, I am “pretty darn close to perfect as is” and I need to accept me for me. I need to redefine “perfect.”

One thing I know for sure is my husband is prefect. Does that mean I think he’s flawless? No, I see his faults and love him just the same. And I know he feels the same about me. He’s been leaving me these notes every morning this week. Although, this has become a daily treat, it still surprises me when I see the bright green, magnetic grocery list sitting on my purse. I’d say he’s pretty perfect.

P.S.
I didn’t forget to take fruit today. =)

San Diego!

I just realized that it has been over a week since my last entry… time has flown by this week! I suppose I can excuse my lack of posting since we did have a mini-vacation last weekend. It was the oddest mix of incredibly relaxing and terribly exhausting. We spent the weekend down in San Diego enjoying the sights downtown, on Shelter Island, and on Coronado Island as well as attending Comic Con. It was definitely exciting and I had lots of fun. Ramses tired quickly fighting the crowds and line-waiting but all-in-all is was a good time and we look forward to next year, even if we cut our attendance to just one day to avoid Ramses’ “over it!” grumpiness. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the weekend:

The crowds! Oh the infamous Comic Con crowds.

I got to meet my sweet friend, Tomomi. She came all the way from Hawaii to go to the Con. Red-eye reduction not needed… she’s dressed up like an anime character!

Joss Whedon! I love him muchly.

Downtown

The Star of India

Marina Cortez

My favorite picture from the trip. I took this out of the window of our moving car believe it or not!

It was a great weekend but we are looking forward to just spending downtime at home this weekend. We don’t do trips very often, it was fun and I am glad we went but being away always affirms that we are homebodies at heart! My cleanse is coming up and I need to spend some time planning and shopping this week. We are planning to spent the first few weeks on the cleanse pretty much at home until we get a firm hold on what it’s all about before we attempt any social get-togethers that could potentially derail our efforts. Heck, we may even take the whole month to just concentrate on us and our success on the program. The first day on the cleanse will this Sunday 8/3. Not that I should be having any… but that guarantees no birthday cake for me this year! That’s OK, taking time to care for my health is the best gift I can give myself.

Stupid Mountain

“Failing to plan is planning to fail.”
-Alan Lakein

It is a fair assumption that when you are not seeing new posts here that I am not doing all that well on my journey. I have been refraining from boring all my readers (or reader as the the case may actually be) with endless woe-is-me entries about how much I am sucking at this right now.

The positivity and determination I wrote about last week was fleeting. In fact, positivity has a way of slipping through my fingers. It’s been that way for a while now. I’ve spent the last 7 years on a roller coaster when it comes to my health. I realize that I should be grateful for where I am now and what I have managed to get through. But “it could be worse” isn’t always the good news I hope to hear. I truly try my hardest to see the bright side but somehow the rain clouds always seem to roll in.

After my visit with Jodi last week I came home with nothing but good intentions. My goals were to increase my water intake, keep my food log, and count calories… I haven’t done any of that. So here I am one day before I have to face the music and explain why I didn’t achieve these goals. The truth is I have no answer, no excuses other than I just didn’t do it. I didn’t plan it out therefore I failed. I know that planning is key because the times I do well are a result of planning so why didn’t I do it this time? I don’t know. I guess I didn’t make it a priority.

Last night I had a breakdown. We went upstairs to go to bed and I locked myself in the bathroom and started crying. Normally, I have no problem talking to Ramses about the way I am feeling but I was ashamed and needed to be alone. I realized that even though I am in the best place possible to make this weight loss happen that I am still sabotaging myself. I am surrounded by unbelievable support and have so many resources that I never had before yet I am still failing. No one can do this for me… but I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this for myself. I think this is the lowest I have felt on this journey so far. I feel like a fraud. Here I am writing about determination and perseverance all the while finding it difficult to muster those things within myself.

Something that Jodi told me a couple weeks ago is that I need to see in myself what others see in me. She reads my blog and reads all your amazing comments and has gained a little insight into how I am viewed by my friends. It amazes me at how easy it is for me to offer words of encouragement to the people in my life that need yet I simply cannot do that for myself. A few weeks back Ramses was struggling. There were changes at his job, he was feeling less than enthusiastic with his performance during his workouts, and overall he was just feeling miserable and being mean. He’s not one to talk about his feelings or complain outright about anything but I know him and I knew he needed to gain some perceptive on things. I forced him to talk to me about it and when I say “forced” I mean it, there was a good a day and a half of him telling me to stop pestering him… well it wasn’t that polite it was more like “Could you just shut up about it already?” Once he figured out that I wasn’t going to stop he listened, not much talking on his part, but lots of listening. I helped him see that his troubles were temporary and he just needed to believe in himself and his ability to adapt and push forward. He was just feeling vulnerable (something I am quite familiar with these days) and his confidence was suffering because of it. Ramses is the most remarkable man I know and I see such greatness in him. He is truly capable of achieving whatever goal he sets out for and my faith in him is unwaivering. I knew that everything he needed to push past what was bothering him was already inside and he just had to trust himself. A few days later we were in the kitchen putting away groceries and he took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said “thank you.” Playing coy, I innocently asked “for what?” He just gave me that easy little smile of his I love so much and said “you know.”

There is a deep part of me that sincerely enjoys helping people. I love to see people realize their potential or rediscover something about themselves. But for the life of me I cannot do that for myself. The odd thing is when people try to help me by pointing out my strengths or even just complimenting me I feel awkward and in some cases it makes me cry. I am surprised by how easy it is for me to do that for others. But I guess I am just not used to it… or maybe it’s a self-esteem thing. I feel like I don’t deserve help. Especially now since people have been offering me so much of it and I am still faltering… I hate feeling like I am wasting people’s time and energy.

I maintain that this journey is helping me. I am learning a great deal about myself. It’s the lack of physical progress that is tripping me up. It’s easy to be optimistic when standing at the foot of the mountain and making your plan of attack but once you’ve slipped and taken your fair share of falls that’s when character is truly tested. I have no other option than to find a better foothold and keep climbing… but my hopes of reaching the summit are not as high as they once were.

Spinning My Wheels

I have had trouble focusing this week. I am not sure why but I have been so scatterbrained. I have been meaning to post more this week but I just couldn’t focus long enough to put any cohesive thoughts together. We’ve all had these days when our To Do list seems a mile long and despite our best efforts nothing seems to get accomplished… well, if we are lucky there may be a lonely check mark somewhere on the page. Well, it’s been one of those days for me only spread out over a week, a very long week.

I have been able to spend some time getting a temporary website together for Bodyfit this week. That’s been fun because it let me be creative and helpful all at the same time which just so happen to be two of my favorite things. I am still working out some kinks though. I have run into snags and need to figure out how to get this temporary site onto the domain name he purchased but I think am on the cusp of a breakthrough. I like a challenge so it won’t be long before I figure it out on my own or beg others with more knowledge to help me (to be read: Beg Robert to help me! =P) All in all I am happy with the product so far and am very happy that Kevin likes it… he better because those photo galleries gave me carpel tunnel! =)

I had my weekly appointment with Jodi on Wednesday only to find that I had gained 3 lbs. It seems that as long as I have been seeing her (aside from week 1) I have lost and gained the same 3-5 lbs of fat and water. Apparently, my body is very attached to carrying around extra water. Like a camel, you know, just in case I find myself lost in the desert a la Bear Grylls, then I would be equip to make it out alive. I know it doesn’t work that way, that was just my lame attempt to make a funny. =)

As discouraging as this no weight loss trend is I am nowhere near wanting to quit. I am more determined than ever to push past this and try new things in order to find the right “formula” for my success. So, for the next week I am re-devoting myself to hit my water goals, keeping my food log, tracking the calories, and including a heart rate monitor into my workouts. Jodi is thinking that I may still not be getting enough calories and working out harder than what is needed for my body. The heart rate monitor will help me stay within my aerobic, fat-burning zone. If my rate is too low then my workouts aren’t beneficial. If they are too high then I am into a cardiovascular workout which will help my endurance and heart but may be impeding my weight loss by burning too many calories and sending my body into storage mode.

I never thought that it would be so tricky to lose weight. It seems easy- eat less, move more. But it is becoming more and more clear that my situation needs more attention than that. For me it is about finding right combination of things that will allow me to develop a new lifestyle that I can maintain for good.

Happy Birthday, Ebi & Kai!

I was rereading back over the entries I’ve written so far and I realized that normally I only write when I am troubled or struggling. So, I have decided that not only do I need to use this blog as a means of getting through the tough times but to also celebrate the things in my life that bring me joy.

What better day to start celebrating than today… it is Ebi & Kai’s 4th Birthday! My little boys have brought me so much laughter and happiness in the four years they have been with us to last a lifetime. They always seem to know when I need extra kisses or just a good laugh and I am so thankful to have them! Our home wouldn’t be complete without them. I love them to bits!

So… Happy Birthday, Ebi & Kai! I am so grateful to have you both in my life!

“Set Me Free, Leave Me Be.”

On my way to work this morning all my regular radio stations were on commercials (all at the same time… what is up with that!?) so I pressed the CD button. Sara Bareilles started playing and as usual I started singing along. Then the last track came on.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much,
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while,
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down.

But you’re on to me and all over…

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

The first time I heard this song it struck a chord with me. But not for the obvious meaning of being drawn to someone who is not good for me… that I definitely cannot relate to. The meaning it holds for me has to do with the battle that is happening inside of myself. It’s the new me begging the old me to let go and how easily the old me takes control. As I was singing “I never wanted anything so much…” I was choking up and by the time I sang “The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down…” my freshly applied make-up was ruined! This song has such resonance with me right now and just couldn’t help it. You can see a live version of the song here. It’s a beautiful song and she’s a very talented singer/songwriter.

I am not sure if anything I have been through required me to fight so hard. Between the cancer and the infertility issues I’ve seen my share of battles but this is different. On the surface weight loss is simple: Eat healthy and exercise. The science of it is very cut and dry, sure we are all different, but the principles of what a body requires for change are basically the same.

Unfortunately, the further I progress on this journey the more I am learning that my struggle is far more than just losing weight. If that were the case, this would be easy. It’s about undoing everything about me. Finding the things that have gone missing or discovering things I never knew about myself. Then taking the newfound knowledge to make a new, better me. I guess you can say that I am in the demo phase- tear it down to build it up. I want this. I truly want to change and I am willing to fight for it even when it requires fighting myself.

Just Life, Really

I got this from my friend’s blog. Thanks, Nikki! It shows all the main words that I use when I write here. Very interesting…

Coming Clean

I think the reason that I haven’t been writing much is that I have been ashamed to admit that I haven’t been doing very well. The whole purpose of this blog is to have a place to talk about my journey and my struggles but I have found it hard to admit that I have been slipping. The only person that ever knows when I have getting off track is my husband and that’s because there is no hiding from him! I think it is human nature to always want to put the best foot forward. But who is that really helping? Definitely not me and definitely not those who think that everything is going great and therefore don’t feel the need to offer encouragement.

So, Monday I decided to come clean and admit to my nutritionist that I have been off track for the last two weeks. It was hard to admit but I knew I had to be honest in order to truly get the help I need. Ever since the Monday, 6/23/08, which happens to be the day I started having issues with a “friend”, I have been off my nutrition plan and stopped working out. I instantly replaced all my new good habits for all my old bad habits in an effort to deal with my hurt feelings. Like I have written about before change is hard and I have been feeling very vulnerable because of it so in an effort to feel more “secure” and “safe” I went right back to the behaviors that got me in this predicament in the first place! I got mopey and reached for the sweet stuff and for the first week I allowed myself to be sad and didn’t give it much though. Then week two of the blues started and I realized that I was feeling crappy not because of the problems that started the whole spiral in the first place. I was feeling crappy because I fell off the wagon… again. So, that week was filled with reaching for the sweets and moping but this time I was addled with guilt and discouragement. I realized that I have a very tenuous hold on my new lifestyle and they it can slip out of my grasp quite easily. In fact, my consistency has been terrible and that is why I haven’t seen the pounds come off yet.

Once the holiday weekend hit I was feeling terrible! I knew I needed to stop letting myself fail and push harder to get back on track. That’s why I told the one person that I knew could help me. Jodi, my nutritionist, helped me focus and suggested that I start seeing her weekly for a while. And I happily agreed. I need to have the accountability that comes with my visits with her, after all I am facing the scale AND the BIA so there is no fudging the numbers there. Also, she offers me lots of positivity and I always leave her office feeling optimistic and capable.

I have had trouble admitting that I need help my entire life. I think it stems from always being alone as a child. I had nobody to depend on or take care of me so I learned very early that I only had myself to rely on. I am very open about things in my life but I am NOT forthcoming when it comes to needing help. I have never wanted to be a burden by bringing my problems to others. A prime example of this behavior is what happened with my cancer. I first felt the lump at the base of my neck when I was 18. I waited 3 years to tell anyone and that was only because it has gotten so big that I could not breathe when I laid on my back. I remember the countless nights I stayed awake with worry and the moment I decided to tell someone. It was my 21st birthday and I was celebrating with my dear friends watching them do silly dances and sing me songs (per my request of course) and all the fun and laughter was punctuated with fear that I wouldn’t have many more birthdays unless I took care of the mystery lump in my neck. So when I blew out the candles on my cake I wished for the strength to get help. A month later I told my Mother-in-Law whom I knew would force me to see a doctor and after 8 months of fighting to get insured, numerous doctors visits, and unrelenting fear I was diagnosed. Honestly, I was lucky that the form of cancer I had was slow-growing or else I would have died. And all because I was too scared to ask for help sooner.

I can’t make that mistake again. I won’t make that mistake again. I decided that now is the time to take control of my life and my health and I am NOT alone in this. I am so fortunate to have people in my life that are happy to help and support me during this time. This isn’t a mountain I am climbing alone.

Taking Control

“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”

-Robert F. Bennett

First, let me apologize for taking the week off. It’s my goal to post 3-4 times a week and I have had tons on my mind that distracted this past week. I guess you can say I was doing a little weeding in my “friendship garden” and taking care of some long-dead leaves and branches. I am back now and ready to focus all my energies on what’s important.

The further I progress in my journey I find myself seeking the meaning of things. I have gone too long just allowing life to happen to me without taking much from it. Prior to my cancer diagnosis I used to read a lot of books on Zen Buddhism, Transcendentalism, and Japanese Bushido and those philosophies became deeply rooted into who I am as a person. Self-reflection was always an important part of my spiritual life but the cancer changed me. I closed myself off and self-reflection became too painful and scary. Until now… I can honestly say that I am gaining that part of myself back and it feels amazing.

So much of what I am attempting to accomplish on this journey is about taking control of my life. Obviously, controlling my eating and my exercise are givens. However, I am also learning that taking control of my happiness is imperative in helping to lighten the load so this climb isn’t more difficult than it needs to be.

I will use the issues I have been dealing with this last week as an example. For the past year and a half I have been really involved in an online community. I became very close to some of the women there and they became what I thought were real friends. We communicated outside of the internet and learned a lot about each other’s lives. In fact, we became a bit of a support system for each other when hardships surfaced. When my life got busy with what life gets busy with… work, family, health, etc. my time spent communicating with them was reduced greatly. In most cases, every time I was able to allow time to be online it was like I had never been away but in other cases bitterness and resentment was setting in and I started seeing people’s attitudes towards me change. This hurt me because I had always offered these women the real me and could never imagine turning my back on a “friend” that way. Long story short, I became an outcast of sorts to some of the very same women I trusted the most. At the end of last year I started becoming aware of mean things being said and done which has continued into the recent months. This past week when more “drama” came to my door it hit me really hard. It may have been a combination of how vulnerable I’ve been lately and a genuine feeling of betrayal but whatever the reasons it was really tearing me up.

Then it hit me. . . I had complete control over this situation. I was allowing negativity into my life through very toxic people who were never really my friends. I was allowing myself to be upset over something that had no real impact on my life. And how could I allow something so petty derail my emotional well-being at a time I need stability in my life? So, I took action. I decided to leave the community. I hit “delete”. I won’t lie though, it hurt. I cried. A lot. Then I got angry at myself for reacting so strongly. I wasn’t just ridding myself of the hurtful group of grown up “mean girls” (most older than myself, mind you) but I also lost the sweetness and fun that the community is really all about and the genuine women who never twisted the purity of it. I am now picking up the pieces. It was such a big part of my daily routine and it became a hobby I really enjoyed. So I am now left to restructure. Some of the women who truly cared about me have found ways to keep in contact and I am grateful for that and they have helped me get over the worst of it.

As silly as my example may be to some of you, I know you have been there before in some way or another too. Feeling betrayed by people you trusted and really liked just to be left wondering what you did to deserve it. I think this behavior is more prevalent among girls and young women. I never really dealt with anything like this in my youth and I was shocked to find myself fall victim to this type of mistreatment in my adult life. I am far closer to 30 than I am to 13, people! I have been unbelievably fortunate to have the group of friends I have “in real life”. We’ve been close for an average of 15 years now and sure we’ve seen our fair share of ups and downs but we’ve never been unnecessarily hurtful to one another. I have to admit I was ill-equip to deal with this and I probably entered into the situation far too trusting and naive for my own good.

It’s done now and I although it was painful I made the right choice. I took control of a situation that I was unhappy with and I changed it. I guarantee that if I were not on this journey and not so determined to change I would have just accepted it, leaving this complicated “sore spot” in my life, and just waited for the next negative thing to just happen to me. The bad times will come and they always do. . . most of the time we cannot stop them. In this circumstance I was lucky enough to have a say in what was happening so I took charge and removed it. Having been through what I have I know firsthand the importance of removing a cancer before it kills you. So when you have a chance to rid yourself of unnecessary hurt. . . take it.