Baby Blues

Ugh.  I have been having a rough couple of weeks.  Last week I spent Tuesday through Friday completely unable to bend my elbows thanks to a really hard training session on Monday.  I felt like I was channeling John McCain and Ramses just couldn’t help but remind me of that during the final debate last week, “Haha, you move like a creepy old man, eh? Eh?”  I can always count on my husband’s sympathy.  No matter how much I stretched the muscles they would immediately just tighten up again.  Simple morning rituals like putting in my contacts, brushing my teeth, and doing my hair and make-up were absolute torture. Thankfully I was 100% better for our Disneyland trip on Saturday (more on that in another post.)   Then this week I was knocked on my ass by some sort of killer cold that my loving brother was so gracious to share with me.  I am finally feeling better today and am looking forward to getting back on track next week.  I missed two days of work and both my training sessions.  So, I have lots of catching up to do.

During the same I-can’t-move-my-arms week I was bombarded by baby news.  Last Sunday we had a chance to see our “second-family” and even though I knew ahead of time that Shelly was pregnant when I hugged her we both started crying.  She told me that she wanted to tell me right away but was afraid that the news would hurt me.  Her concern over how her wonderful news would affect me was so touching and it reminded me of why I love them so much.  Then 4 days later I became a Great-aunt, my oldest nephew’s young girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy.  Finally, on Saturday during Matt’s birthday party Nikki cheerfully announced that her sister is pregnant as well.  And although I am happy for all of them the news hit me hard. . . I had a full week of baby blues.

I write a lot about my cancer but I tend not to write much about my miscarriage.  It was two years ago and when I think about it I still cry.  It’s difficult to describe the pain of losing a pregnancy, especially a well-planned and desparately-wanted pregnancy.  Unless someone has suffered the same loss it’s hard for them to understand.  The only thing I can equate it to is to imagine an engaged couple and for some reason the man dies just months before the wedding.  Would it be possible for the woman to hear of engagements or attend weddings without being overwhelmed by sadness?  Although she may be happy for the couple she would be reminded of what she lost and what will never be.  Sure, she can find love again but she will always mourn that loss and have an emptiness in her heart.

I truly appreciate when people acknowledge mine and Ramses’ loss.  It was (and still is) surprising the different reactions or lack thereof we experience from our family and friends.  From my Mother-in-Law staying away for 3 months before finally coming to see me then explaining that I couldn’t possibly understand how hard my miscarriage had been on her, to my own Mother breaking the news of my nephew’s pregnant girlfriend by prefacing it with “I know you are going to be mad but…”,  to the thoughfulness I experienced last Sunday.  She handled it perfectly and through the tears were we both able to laugh at the last ultrasound picture of the baby holding his hand in front of his face… just like his Uncle.  =)

Courage

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
-Mary Anne Radmacher

This journey has been filled with lots of “trying again tomorrow.”  The way I see it is there is always room for improvement.  Sometimes there is lots of room, like you-could-drive-a-truck-through-that room and other times some minor tweaking is all that is needed.  And everyday is different.  I have learned that there is no such thing as a perfect day and that there is no failure, there are only lessons.

The struggles I have been having with my nutrition and exercise are slowly (please note the emphasis on the word slowly) working themselves out.  Last week was probably the best week I’ve had so far.  I have probably had better nutrition weeks and better exercise weeks in the past but last week was the best combined week I have ever had.  Right now, I am focusing on finding the balance which I feel is integral in making these healthy habits stick and part of a life I enjoy living.  It’s not an easy task but I am tackling it head-on and hope to find that place within myself where it all clicks and it stops feeling so forced.

My workouts have been going well.  Yesterday was a tough one for me that resulted in some tears during and terrible pain this morning.  As I was struggling through what seems like my 1000th rep doing 35 lb shoulder presses my trainer urged me to correct my form and I lost it… tears, shuddering, the whole nine.  It wasn’t that I was upset about being corrected, hell… I expect far more correction than I receive since I feel oafish and awkward doing the movements  but it was at that moment that I realized my form was suffering simply because my muscles were giving up on me.  I was willing my arms to push that weight up but my body would not move.  My frustration and disappointment bubbled over in the form of big girlie tears.  My trainer handled it perfectly though he told it was OK and patiently waited for me to stop blubbering to hand me back the weight and tell me to “focus” and to “get mad at the bar.”  The result?  I finished my first as prescribed workout (meaning no wimpy modifications needed… this time) and arms that I cannot raise above my head today… especially my right one.  Sure, my time may have been a full ten minutes after the other women on the board but I have to say this being only my 3rd week with Bodyfit I am proud of myself.  So yay me!

I did feel sort of foolish for the whole crying thing but I knew it may happen since my nutritionist sees those same tears pretty much every time I am in her office.  I’ve written about the vulnerability that is occurs while on this journey.  This is not easy for me.  I am changing my life and that is no simple feat.  I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone and that is difficult even on the best of us.  I can feel myself growing as a person and soon enough the shrinking part will follow… that I can guarantee.

Being “Good Enough”

In recent times, it seems there are only three measures of success: Money, looks, and fame. If you don’t have one or all of them, you just don’t measure up. But you’re an ordinary person, and it’s hard to feel self-worth, self-respect, and self-esteem when you go to an everyday job in an everyday world. Perhaps you need to overcome feelings of regret and sorrow. Well, you can overcome your feelings… How do you find a sense of significance in a world that seems so very shallow?

Steps

1. Cultivate a grateful heart. Gratitude is the one thing that most people who feel a low sense of self-worth lack. If you can look outside your own world, and see how good you really have it, you will feel much more like your life is a worthwhile thing. If you don’t have a terminal illness, have had something to eat today, have a bed to sleep in tonight… materially speaking you have it better than 70% of all the people in the whole world. If you’re reading this on your own computer, you’re better off than about 90% of everyone.
2. Know when enough is enough. Take the advice of Mary Poppins. She says, “Enough is as good as a feast.” Think about that for a moment. You can only eat so much, no matter how good the food is, or how much there is. It doesn’t matter if your meal is served in a fancy restaurant at $1000 a plate, or in your own kitchen at $2.79 a plate. When you’re full, you’re full, and if you try to eat more, you will very likely get sick. When you have enough, it’s exactly the same as having sat down to a tremendous feast and eaten your fill. Mary Poppins is right. Well, she is practically perfect in every way, after all.
3. Learn to value deeper virtues. The media seem to be overflowing with images of the young, rich, and beautiful, and unless you fit that mold, you feel less worthy of good things in your life. But those things are so fleeting – youth and beauty fade with years, and in a short while, those celebutantes won’t be so pretty (or at least it won’t be cheap for them to be so pretty). Fortunes can be lost. But love is eternal. Honor lasts. Truth abides. Beauty comes in all forms: a butterfly is beautiful. So is a waterfall, and the ocean, and the sky on a starry night. Learn to appreciate natural beauty, good character, honesty, your family.
4. Be nice. Believe it or not, this can be the first step to feeling your own power. Feeling a little … ordinary… can make you feel like it isn’t worthwhile to care about the feelings of others. You don’t realize just how much power you have. Your lousy mood is contagious. It casts a pall over everyone you encounter, from your family to your friends to your co-workers. Instead of being abrupt and surly, try giving each person a smile. Take a moment to make eye contact. People enjoy talking about themselves or those closest to them. So give them an opportunity to do so. Try to remember names, and ask about their loved ones. You don’t know what’s happening in their lives – you might be the one and only person to treat them like a human being today. You may not realize how just one kind word, even from a stranger, can refresh someone’s spirit. Try it and see. It may be very nice to be important. But it’s much more important to be nice. In some circles, this is called ‘projecting loving kindness’ and it takes practice.
5. Realize that being part of your family is important. You may not have family, in this case you must cherish the relationships with friends. If you have children, a spouse, siblings, parents who depend on you, everything you do for them is a good deed, a mitzvah,[1] as they say. When you help your mom find her milk, which she put in the cupboard instead of the fridge, even if she doesn’t remember it 10 minutes later, you’re doing something so valuable and important for her. Let your life with your family and friends rejuvenate you with the feeling that you are with people who love you no matter what.
6. Be humble. Of course if you go around bragging about how amazing you are, people are going to try to knock you down. Plus, people who talk themselves up to others are usually covering up an internal feeling of inadequacy. Just look at celebs – no sooner are they hot than the rumors start and the sniping begins. It’s called “Schadenfreude”[2] – getting shallow satisfaction from the misfortune of those seemingly more fortunate than you. No matter how much you want to feel important, it won’t help you unless you can appreciate it when it happens for the right reasons. By exercising humility, and refraining from all the brag and swagger, you free people to praise you when it’s appropriate instead of hogging attention when it isn’t.
7. Keep a secret and help others. There is nothing that will make you feel like you are valued, needed, and essential like volunteering to help and serve others who are less fortunate than you. This really goes along with the “humility” thing well – stepping up to help the elderly, coach at an after school children’s center, feed the homeless, help build a home for someone (Habitat for Humanity), collect toys for orphanages at Christmas time – these things allow you to be of service to others, and nothing will make you feel better. Give your gift in secret. Tell no one about your deed.
8. Feel the satisfaction of secretly creating gratitude in another’s life and let it stay within your heart by holding on to your little secret. The first time a little child brings you a hand-drawn card and throws her arms around you to thank you for helping her family, it’s practically guaranteed you’ll feel tears of joy flow from your eyes and a big lump in your throat. And that’s when you know your life is not just “good enough” – it’s awesome.
9. Create a sensation and a stir in your life. Be amazing to yourself and to everyone else. Care about people in all areas of your life as an individual–not as a political idea. Love your husband or wife and be the person that you can look up to as having a good marriage. Have that long and happy relationship that you always have wanted, and especially for the Christian husband: love your wife and awe your wife.

Tips

• It’s hard to feel impressive if you do nothing to impress yourself. Go out there and do something wonderful, not just for yourself, but for someone else.
• For some people, it helps if you have a reality bigger than yourself to believe in. If you are a praying person, allow your faith to help you work through this time in your life. If you want to feel like your life is good, consider going to a mosque, a temple, synagogue or a church–or talk to a friend about how faith helps him through difficult times and too feel well. If you are agnostic or atheist, you may find solace in meditation.
• Never use someone else’s life or accomplishments as a measuring stick for the worth or value of your own. It’s just like running, or your looks: there will always be someone faster (and someone slower). There will always be someone prettier (or you may be prettier than someone else). There was a song from an old musical that talked about running a race. It encouraged you not to be sad if you didn’t come in first, because “someone else who is last is sure to think you are fast.” Your life is your own. Rise up and live it. If you have enough, despite the fact that you aren’t rich or famous, enjoy the fact that you are not wanting for essentials, that you have family and friends who love you, and that your health is good. You can work for more, as long as you want to!
• Turn off the TV and the radio. Listen to your own thoughts and explore what is inside. Internal dialog is not a ticket to an institution but rather a chance to really begin to make positive changes within.
• Call (not email) or visit an old friend or relative that you haven’t talked with in a long time. Spend time in a meaningful conversation that will leave you both grounded and uplifted. If that old friend has always been your God then pray to the Lord or a Higher Power and grow the spiritual side of your life.

Warnings

• This doesn’t imply that you should not strive for excellence. You should. But you should never give up or feel that you are not a success just because you haven’t accomplished everything you hoped to yet. Success is progress, but sometimes progress requires relaxing for a time. You can still work at things and feel good about it as you make even small bits of your own kind of progress. That is success–and so feel good about it.

Source: WikiHow

The Awesomeness in Life

“11 Refreshing Ways to Bring Out the Awesomeness in Life”
by Jonathan Mead

I often get caught up in the hectic nature of life. I get bogged down with things to do and the drive to be productive. It’s hard not to get sucked into the routine of living and take life for granted. Sometimes it’s hard to stay excited about life.

This is especially true when you’re working toward long term goals that might not be realized for a few months or even years. I’ve been working on building my blog for the past seven months. I eventually want to turn this into the main source of my income, so I can quit my job and stop selling my time to someone else. While I feel very passionate about this goal, it probably won’t be realized for a few months or a year (at the most). It’s difficult for me sometimes to stay excited about my goals, when I’m currently working toward someone else’s to pay the bills (see this article).

It’s time like these when I get bored with work. I get bored with routines and monotony. The opposite of happiness after all isn’t sadness or depression.

It’s boredom.

I recurrently have to keep myself in check. I have to balance my goals that will be realized in the future, with being happy now. After all, isn’t now all we’ve got?

So how can we stay excited about life? How can we remain passionate about living, and not get trapped in the cycle of routines?

Here are some things that I personally do to help keep me stay excited about life.

1. Return to simplicity. Simplification is about de-cluttering your life. It’s not just de-cluttering our homes and spaces though, it’s simplifying our mental and emotional realms. It’s shedding the baggage of self-limiting beliefs and constant mental chatter. It’s finding some quietude in your life.

2. Stop labeling. It’s amazing how much we think we’re experiencing life, but we’re really just thinking about it. I want you to try a little exercise with me. Take a look at something around you. Maybe it’s a photo, a plant, or your keyboard. Our normal state of mind is to think about the object we’re looking at, to conceptualize it in our mind and place labels on it. Now look at the same object and don’t think about it. If this is difficult for you, that’s okay. Relax and just look. Let go. Notice a difference? That’s because when you’re not thinking about what you’re things, you’re actually experiencing life directly. The labels in our mind are simply abstractions, they’re not reality itself. Try doing this more often: when you’re in line at the grocery store, walking your dog, listening to music, etc. You’ll start to enjoy your experience much more.

3. Enjoy the simple things in life. This goes along with quieting our minds as well. The next time you eat a piece of fruit or enjoy a cup of coffee or tea, simply enjoy it. Sounds like a pretty obvious suggestion right? Well it is, but most of the time we do exactly the opposite. We’re not just eating or drinking, we’re thinking about all sorts of things. We’re thinking about the next item of action; taking out the dog to use the bathroom, the mail we need to take to the post office, etc. The next time you eat or drink, just do that. You will experience the flavors and tastes at if it were the first time.

4. Change things up. Try something new. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, but have never gotten around to. If you’ve always wanted to learn to play tennis, go out and buy a tennis racket and a ball. If you don’t have a partner, you can always play the wall. =)

5. Make time for what you love. We often get burnt out because we’re busy working and attending to obligations. If we are not doing anything we’re excited about, we’ll likely start resenting our lives. It’s important to make time every day doing things you really enjoy.

6. Drop unwanted commitments. Just as we need to make time for doing things we love, we also need to prune the things we aren’t passionate about. Some things aren’t really negotiable. If you don’t pay your electricity bill, you will be eating by candlelight. But other so-called obligations aren’t really necessary. A good test is to ask yourself if your commitment is something that’s really adding to your life. Is it enhancing your life, or is it just adding more stress? Sometimes quitting is the best answer when simplifying your life.

7. Focus on what matters. I have a tendency to want everything to be perfect. I want to edit every article I write until I can’t tell whether or not it’s good anymore. Then I edit it some more. I later realize that even when I don’t get as good of a response as I hoped for, no one really care. Except me. You have the option to not care about things being less than perfect too. Realize that your return on investment decreases rapidly. Studying for 8 hours a week might get you a 3.8 GPA, while studying for 20 hours might earn you a 4.0. Is that extra .2 really worth it? Focus on what matters and stop stressing so much that you’re no longer enjoying life.

8. Let go. Relaxation is possible. I know, it scares me too. The thought of not obsessing over all the things I didn’t get done today is often terrifying. But it’s okay. There will always be tomorrow. On your deathbed do you really think you’re going to be thinking about the to-do list you didn’t complete? I don’t think so. You’ll probably be thinking about how you wished you would have had more fun, spent more time with your family and enjoyed life more.

9. Embrace your inner geek. We’re all geeky about certain things. I admit that I’m a design geek. I can sit for hours obsessing over typefaces, color palates and white space. I seriously live for this stuff though, so it’s okay to obsess a little. The point is, when I design, draw, and write, I lose track of time. I embrace my inner geek and all I’m thinking about is what I’m doing. I’m not worrying about how it will turn out, I’m not thinking about the phone bill I need to pay. I’m just there. Think about what really makes you geek out. A good indicator is that it’s something you get super excited about that makes other people give you strange looks.

10. Be grateful. I’m certainly not the first one to say this. But it bears repeating. Every time I am in a rut or feeling sorry for myself, I try to remember to be grateful. Just being grateful to be alive is a powerful thing. You never know when you’re going to leave this world. You never know if you’ll have another chance to write that novel you have been meaning to, run that marathon or tell your lover how you feel about her.

11. Reassess your priorities. Are you living for today, or solely for the achievement of your next project? Do you stress out about what’s on your to-do list more than living in the moment? If you’re at all like me, you occasionally fall into this rut as well. We have to find a balance in achievement and contentment. Sometimes it’s not about getting what you want, but wanting what you have. It’s not about achieving the completion of a project, but enjoying the process of creativity.

When striving for personal growth, it’s easy to get caught up in living for our next achievement. Our next success and the next mountain that we aim to conquer. But if we’re not living for today, what’s the point? If we’re never able to enjoy life now, it’s probably time we reassess our priorities.

Milestones and achievements —graduations, promotions, etc.— make up a small fraction of life.

If the majority of our days are “normal day” then maybe we should spend more time trying to find everyday bliss.

8 Tips To Quiet The Mind

Stress management is a big part of getting healthy.  In fact, the First Line Therapy handbook has an entire section on how to manage stress and my daily logs include a section for relaxation.  I found a great article on quieting the mind and I thought I’d share.

Here is a list of 8 techniques that can be used to calm the waters of your mind:

1 – Visualize a lit Candle in your mind and keep the flame still

2 – Focus on your breathing, using deep, long, and sustained breaths

3 – Repeat the mantra in your mind “I desire to return to my source”

4 – Pick a constant sound in the room, like the air conditioner, and focus on the sound

5 – If thoughts about the days business or duties come to your mind, visualize them being released to the sun

6 – Listen, and pick out, three distinct sounds that your body makes internally

7 – Visualize a beautiful flower, and count each and every petal while taking in all the details of the unique flower petal

8 – Draw each letter of the word “peace” one letter at a time, and then pause in between the letters and observe the empty space. If your mind begins to wonder in the empty space, begin drawing the next letter

Work in Progress

I have a tendency to rush through projects. I strive to get things checked off my “To Do” list as quickly as possible. Normally, that’s not such a bad thing. Getting things done is a good. However, there are certain projects that take time; whether waiting for others to complete their part of the project before I can complete mine, saving up money to afford exactly what is needed for completion, or just taking time to do it right. When those projects arise I try to apply my “get it done, get it done now” mentality only to end up frustrated and sometimes resentful of my task.

Such was the case of getting our custom cabinets built for our new home office. We started planning for the shelves in August.   In fact, remodeling my office space was Ramses birthday gift to me. We sketched, re-sketched, and submitted the plans over a month ago. The shelves were built rather quickly but finding the perfect shade of stain took some time. Each week Ramses would bring home a sample and each time it wasn’t right. So, I kept sending him back to the cabinetmaker to ask him to fix it. It was getting to the point that every time the shelves were mentioned I would get irritated and we would argue.

Ramses, of course, was being patient and seeing things from the cabinetmakers point of view whereas I was bordering on unreasonable and caught myself rudely saying things like, “We are paying for this, it needs to be right!” and “Why is this taking so long!?” and “What the heck or we paying this guy for!?” The thing is, the cabinetmaker was doing us a favor. He’s worked for Ramses for almost 4 years now and only charging us for the material. I was just being impatient and obsessed with getting things done.

On Saturday, the cabinets were installed and I was absolutely stunned by how beautiful they were. Well worth the wait. The quality far exceeded my expectations and the final stain choice was spot on, it matches our new furniture perfectly. He also threw together some DVD shelving and installed them in our Harry Potteresque closet under the stairs. They too were a perfect fit and exactly what we needed for the space.

I took some quick snapshots this morning before rushing out the door for work:

Here are the DVD shelves. As you can see we have a ton more space to keep adding to our collection.

Ramses added for scale… also, I couldn’t get the entire shelf in the picture there is another row on the left.

Here’s the other new furniture; storage bench, filing cabinet, and desk.

As you can tell, the space isn’t quite complete; we still need to load up the new desk and file cabinet with the computer and paperwork, organize the books in an easy-to-reference format, and add the final touches like accessories, throw pillows for the new bench, and some wicker baskets for storage. But despite the project being unfinished I love it already. I have learned that sometimes the work in progress can be just as beautiful (or more) than the final result. It’s about enjoying the journey.

Ten Rules for Being Human

Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Fueling My Journey

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
-Kenji Miyazawa

I jotted this quote down on a slip of paper that over a month ago. And it’s been hidden among the pages of my DayMinder planner until I found it today. As I read it over and over again I realized that I needed to be reminded of this and today was a great day for that reminder. Initially, I found the words inspiring in terms of working out. I was looking for quotes to write on the white boards of the gym in our garage. I thought that we could all use some words of wisdom to help us through, especially on those really tough days. But it never made it to the board. Instead it, along with many others never left my bag. That’s pretty indicative of my personality… I always have the best of intentions but rarely have the follow-through to see those intentions become anything more.

While rereading this quote today I realized that I choose this particular quote more for myself than for the garage’s white board. I need to embrace my own personal pain and use it to make it up this mountain. My mountain-climbing has become more like mountain-sitting lately and it’s time to dig in and start scaling again.

I have had some success and some failure and what I believe to be a great deal of breakthroughs. I’ve been frustrated with myself because I keep stalling. I get going and things are great then BAM something stops me dead in my tracks. I decided after another week of paying no attention to my nutrition and not working out at all that I had to do more to help me keep my momentum. I just can’t do it all on my own… I tried and I have failed. Every small failure or false start has a way of beating me down and chipping away at my resolve to continue on my journey. But I refuse to quit.

So, what is my new plan of attack? I decided to start training with Bodyfit. Ramses has been training with Kevin since January and he’s made enormous progress. He’s lost about 30 lbs and is doing things that he never thought that he could. I’ve been attending (read: watching) their weekend workouts since the end of May and am always amazed at how hard they work. There has been a little nagging voice inside that has been telling me, “You should be doing that too!” But I kept quieting it by thinking that there was no way I could physically do what they do and maybe one day… Well, one day was Monday. I trust Kevin and I know he won’t steer me wrong. My needs are very different than those of his other clients and I am confident that together we will learn my limits and push them at the proper pace.

My hope is that becoming more serious about my training and having greater accountability will help me stay the course for good. As it stands I will be seeing my trainer Mondays & Wednesdays and alternate seeing my trainer with my nutritionist on Fridays. 3 days a week. That is a great start to becoming more consistent. And consistency has been my greatest challenge.