Courage

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
-Mary Anne Radmacher

This journey has been filled with lots of “trying again tomorrow.”  The way I see it is there is always room for improvement.  Sometimes there is lots of room, like you-could-drive-a-truck-through-that room and other times some minor tweaking is all that is needed.  And everyday is different.  I have learned that there is no such thing as a perfect day and that there is no failure, there are only lessons.

The struggles I have been having with my nutrition and exercise are slowly (please note the emphasis on the word slowly) working themselves out.  Last week was probably the best week I’ve had so far.  I have probably had better nutrition weeks and better exercise weeks in the past but last week was the best combined week I have ever had.  Right now, I am focusing on finding the balance which I feel is integral in making these healthy habits stick and part of a life I enjoy living.  It’s not an easy task but I am tackling it head-on and hope to find that place within myself where it all clicks and it stops feeling so forced.

My workouts have been going well.  Yesterday was a tough one for me that resulted in some tears during and terrible pain this morning.  As I was struggling through what seems like my 1000th rep doing 35 lb shoulder presses my trainer urged me to correct my form and I lost it… tears, shuddering, the whole nine.  It wasn’t that I was upset about being corrected, hell… I expect far more correction than I receive since I feel oafish and awkward doing the movements  but it was at that moment that I realized my form was suffering simply because my muscles were giving up on me.  I was willing my arms to push that weight up but my body would not move.  My frustration and disappointment bubbled over in the form of big girlie tears.  My trainer handled it perfectly though he told it was OK and patiently waited for me to stop blubbering to hand me back the weight and tell me to “focus” and to “get mad at the bar.”  The result?  I finished my first as prescribed workout (meaning no wimpy modifications needed… this time) and arms that I cannot raise above my head today… especially my right one.  Sure, my time may have been a full ten minutes after the other women on the board but I have to say this being only my 3rd week with Bodyfit I am proud of myself.  So yay me!

I did feel sort of foolish for the whole crying thing but I knew it may happen since my nutritionist sees those same tears pretty much every time I am in her office.  I’ve written about the vulnerability that is occurs while on this journey.  This is not easy for me.  I am changing my life and that is no simple feat.  I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone and that is difficult even on the best of us.  I can feel myself growing as a person and soon enough the shrinking part will follow… that I can guarantee.