Baby Blues

Ugh.  I have been having a rough couple of weeks.  Last week I spent Tuesday through Friday completely unable to bend my elbows thanks to a really hard training session on Monday.  I felt like I was channeling John McCain and Ramses just couldn’t help but remind me of that during the final debate last week, “Haha, you move like a creepy old man, eh? Eh?”  I can always count on my husband’s sympathy.  No matter how much I stretched the muscles they would immediately just tighten up again.  Simple morning rituals like putting in my contacts, brushing my teeth, and doing my hair and make-up were absolute torture. Thankfully I was 100% better for our Disneyland trip on Saturday (more on that in another post.)   Then this week I was knocked on my ass by some sort of killer cold that my loving brother was so gracious to share with me.  I am finally feeling better today and am looking forward to getting back on track next week.  I missed two days of work and both my training sessions.  So, I have lots of catching up to do.

During the same I-can’t-move-my-arms week I was bombarded by baby news.  Last Sunday we had a chance to see our “second-family” and even though I knew ahead of time that Shelly was pregnant when I hugged her we both started crying.  She told me that she wanted to tell me right away but was afraid that the news would hurt me.  Her concern over how her wonderful news would affect me was so touching and it reminded me of why I love them so much.  Then 4 days later I became a Great-aunt, my oldest nephew’s young girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy.  Finally, on Saturday during Matt’s birthday party Nikki cheerfully announced that her sister is pregnant as well.  And although I am happy for all of them the news hit me hard. . . I had a full week of baby blues.

I write a lot about my cancer but I tend not to write much about my miscarriage.  It was two years ago and when I think about it I still cry.  It’s difficult to describe the pain of losing a pregnancy, especially a well-planned and desparately-wanted pregnancy.  Unless someone has suffered the same loss it’s hard for them to understand.  The only thing I can equate it to is to imagine an engaged couple and for some reason the man dies just months before the wedding.  Would it be possible for the woman to hear of engagements or attend weddings without being overwhelmed by sadness?  Although she may be happy for the couple she would be reminded of what she lost and what will never be.  Sure, she can find love again but she will always mourn that loss and have an emptiness in her heart.

I truly appreciate when people acknowledge mine and Ramses’ loss.  It was (and still is) surprising the different reactions or lack thereof we experience from our family and friends.  From my Mother-in-Law staying away for 3 months before finally coming to see me then explaining that I couldn’t possibly understand how hard my miscarriage had been on her, to my own Mother breaking the news of my nephew’s pregnant girlfriend by prefacing it with “I know you are going to be mad but…”,  to the thoughfulness I experienced last Sunday.  She handled it perfectly and through the tears were we both able to laugh at the last ultrasound picture of the baby holding his hand in front of his face… just like his Uncle.  =)