“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  -Lao-tzu

How many times can a person really start over before it just becomes a big joke?  My mountain climbing has become more like mountain staring then getting distracted and forgetting that the mountain is even there.

Since I stopped seeing my nutritionist and my trainer eariler this year I reverted back to many of my old habits, you know, the eating and the sitting.  But I am happy to say that my focus is returning and my intentions are once again good.  No one can do this for me.  The decisions to make the right choices are mine to make.  I know what I need to do now it’s just a matter of doing them.  Less thinking, more doing.  The same goes for my writing and I talked about it a little over at Leaves & Branches.

Looking at myself as a whole I can see that  many of the issues I have all come from the same place and all persist due to the same behavior.  All the things that make me unhappy can be fixed by a change in attitude and by action.  It’s simple really.  Want to be a writer?  Than write.  Want to be healthy?  Then eat better and exercise.  Want to finally be a mother?  Then get healthy.  That’s it.  If my goals in life are that important to me then it doesn’t matter how far off they seem I will get there.  My success is a direct result of my efforts.

I think the reason that I ignore this blog the most is because this is the one that hurts the most to write.  It’s never easy addressing issues that are so deeply rooted.  But I can’t afford therapy so I need to do this somewhere.  But I plan on working out my issues at the some time I’m working out my body.  No more trying to fix one before the other.

I am in a great state of mind to really begin to tackle this again.  Wish me luck!

I stumbled across this website today discussing The Change Cycle.  Based on the chart it seems that the last year of my life  I just couldn’t get past the danger zone.  Here’s more:

Stage 1 – Loss to Safety
In Stage 1 you admit to yourself that regardless of whether or not you perceive the change to be good or ‘bad” there will be a sense of loss of what “was.”

Stage 2 – Doubt to Reality
In this stage, you doubt the facts, doubt your doubts and struggle to find information about the change that you believe is valid. Resentment, skepticism and blame cloud your thinking.

Stage 3 – Discomfort to Motivation
You will recognize Stage 3 by the discomfort it brings. The change and all it means has now become clear and starts to settle in. Frustration and lethargy rule until possibility takes over.

The Danger Zone
The Danger Zone represents the pivotal place where you make the choice either to move on to Stage 4 and discover the possibilities the change has presented or to choose fear and return to Stage 1.

Stage 4 – Discovery to Perspective
Stage 4 represents the “light at the end of the tunnel.” Perspective, anticipation, and a willingness to make decisions give a new sense of control and hope. You are optimistic about a good outcome because you have choices.

Stage 5 – Understanding
In Stage 5, you understand the change and are more confident, think pragmatically, and your behavior is much more productive. Good thing.

Stage 6 – Integration
By this time, you have regained your ability and willingness to be flexible. You have insight into the ramifications, consequences and rewards of the change — past, present, and future.

I probably got to that place about 4 times.  No wonder I have been so frustrated.  I now find myself starting again but this time I have two allies on my side that I didn’t have all the other times:  Acceptance and Happiness.  I want to make these changes for the right reasons now.  I am doing this not because I have to or because I do not want to disappoint the people who offered me help on my journey.  I am doing this because I am in a truly happy place and want to do things to nurture myself.

Yeah, yeah… I know. This is my 3rd blog in as many years but I needed to change my approach. I plan on keeping this blog to chronicle my weight loss struggles, however, I needed a place that I could write about the not-so-serious things in my life too. “A seemingly impossible journey of weight loss and the finding of self” is a pretty heavy topic (no pun intended.) So, please visit Leaves & Branches to get to know the fun me:

Click the graphic above to visit.

This is just step one in the multi-step torture *ahem* process that is tax time at Full Circle.  This is my life until April 15th.  Yay me.

My first impulse is to apologize for the lack of posts these last few months.  But I will refrain because that’s  too trite even for me.  I will, however, give you an update on the happenings since my last post:

Ramses was laid off from his job.  This sent us into a brief tailspin of sorts.  I think I spent an entire week bursting into tears at random and often inappropriate times.  The fear and uncertainty of our situation came crashing down… hard.  We have spent the last month taking steps to assure we will make it financially until Ramses gets the chance to pursue a new career.

That brings me to the next update.  After the lay off Ramses spent all of a day and a half feeling lost and unsure of his next step.  He was laid off on a Friday and by Sunday afternoon he made an appointment for the following Wednesday to take the Riverside Sheriff’s written test.  Since then he has tested with two other agencies and sent in applications to about five more.

I thought I knew everything about my husband.  I never knew that he wanted to be a cop… in fact, I don’t think anyone knew.  After a long and heartfelt conversation I learned shortly after he turned 21 that he was seriously thinking of a career in law enforcement.  Then I got sick and our lives were turned upside down.  Instead, he took a job at my company that allowed him the freedom to be with me for every doctor’s appointment, hospital stay, and radiation treatment while working nights.  That job led him on a different career path in construction.  Which he was very happy with until the housing market tanked.  I truly believe that being laid off may be the best thing to ever happen to him and I cannot convey how incredibly proud I am of him.

The cancer changed both of us.  Having to face  a life-threatening condition at such a young age we started thinking about today because tomorrow was not guaranteed.  Living one day at a time became  a coping mechanism.  We have both become more concerned with being comfortable and safe than being ambitious and taking risks to plan for the future.  Which is all fine and dandy until the rug gets pulled out from under you.  Then all of the sudden the safe and comfortable bubble we lived in burst and there we stood still unhealthy and overweight despite a year of trying and wondering how we could afford our mortgage without a second income.

I love that Ramses is chasing his dream and he has all my support.  Becoming a police officer will absolutely change our life as we know it.   Two months ago I am not sure if I would have welcomed that kind of change but I now know that sacrifice is necessary to find true, lasting happiness.  Ramses is no longer just my “sherpa” on this climb.  He’s my companion, he’s climbing his own Mt. Everest right beside me.  We can and will reach the top together.

I had the oddest phone conversation yesterday afternoon.  It was Kevin and he was excitedly telling me that he was going to win the Burpee Challenge Photo Contest!  The deadline for the contest is Sunday so I was very curious what he had up his sleeve.  He then told me how we sent a myspace message to Brittany from The Biggest Loser Season 5 asking if she would mind helping him out… and she called him back!  She agreed to come out to Kevin’s in her Biggest Loser gear to make a short video for the contest, she even brought her “steamy Hot” banner and told us the funny story behind it.  Kevin asked that we come out too since he knows we are big fans of the show and also he needed a “videographer”… I happily agreed.

Most of you who have read my blog know that I love The Biggest Loser, aside from watching the show, I also have four BL DVD’s, two of which helped spark my interest in fitness this year, and I’ve read several BL books.  Brittany and her partner Bernie are my all-time favorites ever on the show.  I knew she was a local girl, in fact, Ramses and I saw her at the Perris Fair last month.  We didn’t want to bother her so we didn’t say “hi” but Ramses kicked himself in the butt afterward thinking he should have asked her to do burpees with him for the contest!

Kevin asking her to come out was really an odd coincidence and the fact that she agreed was just awesome!  We all chatted a bit, did the burpee video, and then chatted some more.  She talked to us about what it was like for her on the show and how her life is now after it.  It was so fun to hear all the little details about a show I like so much.  She was so gracious and down-to-earth.  She joked about how she was afraid to come out to a stranger’s house and how glad she was that Kevin wasn’t a creep.  Meeting her was an amazing experience and I am even more inspired to make these changes in my life!

About two weeks ago while reorganizing our new office I came across my old journals.  So, as I normally do while trying to get a task done I was sidetracked and read through some of them.  I have journaled most my life but the ones I still have date back about 10 years.  It was surprising to see how my handwriting has changed from super-girlie to the odd all capitals (except the vowels for some reason) block writing that I use now.

After thumbing through a couple of them I came to the conclusion that the majority of the issues I deal with today I have been dealing with my entire life.  I also noticed that I only ran to my journal when I was depressed or had a gripe of some sort.  The years surrounding my cancer were particularly dark and fearful.  I was brought to tears several times reliving the intense feelings I poured into onto the blank pages.  Although many of my feelings of inadequacy and self-esteem issues still exist I realized that my outlook has completely changed.  There is a lot of hopelessness on those pages and negative feeling ran rampant. Even the journals themselves were dark colors and somber.

I have written here about how I have a tendency to only write when my heart is heavy.  I have also expressed the desire to celebrate the joyful things in my life.  So, I came up with, what I think, is a fantastic idea.  I decided to store away my old journals and get a new one.  So, I went searching for a FUN journal, something colorful and cheerful.  Then I found this great website, Jenni Bick Bookbinding that had the perfect journal… well, two perfect journals and I couldn’t decide between them so I ended up getting both.  I also got some pretty colored pens to help inspire a bit more whimsy in my thoughts.

SONGBIRD:

TREETOPS:

I LOVE these books!  I adore the unique pages on the Treetops journal.  My hope is that these happy journals inspire me to record my happy thoughts and help me write outside the lines.  =)

I don’t normally talk about my political views but I am compelled to speak up and talk about how yesterday’s election effected me.  Last night while Ramses and I sat and watched the election results roll in my heart swelled with pride.  And by the time Obama was making his acceptance speech I was in tears and realizing that never in my life was I more proud to be an American.

This was the third presidential election of my adult life… but this was the first time I exercised my right to vote.  The majority of my 20’s have been spent either not caring enough to educate myself on politics or feeling like my vote did not matter enough to be “bothered.”  However, I have been following this race for the better part of this year.   It was Obama with his amazing oratory skills and message of hope that moved me enough to care.  Also, for the first time the state of our country is effecting my personal life.   With the decline of the economy and the housing crisis Ramses and I have faced the fear of losing our jobs which would lead to losing all we’ve worked for- the need for change is great.  For these reasons I marked my ballot for Barack Obama.  Time will tell if the country truly made the right choice but I have never been more optimistic.

The fact that Barack Obama is black, or more accurately racially mixed is an amazingly wonderful and historically important “side note” if you will.  For me his race was unimportant, it was his philosophy and message that won my vote.  But electing a black man as our leader is too important to overlook and must be celebrated. This is a victory for all who fought and still fight for civil rights. Witnessing and being part of this historic decision takes my breath away.

I grew up in a household that taught tolerance above all things.  My mother was born in Tennessee and moved to California as a teenager.  She grew up in the fifties and sixties and her family, like most others of the era, were racist.  Her first marriage was to a white man and resulted in two white children.  Her second marriage was to a Filipino man and resulted in a “half-breed”… that would be me.  When she informed her family that she was pregnant and marrying a man outside her race their only questions were “Is he dark?” and “Will the baby be dark?”  Needless to say, I have never met my mother’s side of the family.

When I was 7 years old my mother met Charlie.  They were never married but I considered him my stepfather.  We lived as a family for 7 years- my prime growing up years.  My mother stayed with him off and on for another 4 years after he moved out.  It wasn’t always peaceful but he was there for me when my own father abandoned me.  Also, he bought me a horse… what little girl could resist a horse?

Charlie was born in 1933 in Atlanta, GA.  It goes without saying what life was like in the South for blacks during that time.  To make matters worse his grandmother was white and of his four siblings he was the only one born with the light skin and green eyes.  He faced racism from both whites and blacks.  After his father abandoned the family, his mother literally went crazy and gave away her children to her sisters.  Charlie went to live with an Aunt who physically abused him and reminded him daily that he was not like the rest of the family.  She forced him to work all night doing the “white folks’” laundry so that he could deliver them early in the morning before school.  He would often times fall asleep on the side of the road and never make it to class.  This was his life from ages 6 to 13 at which point he ran away.  He fought to survive and with only a 5th grade education I can only imagine just what a feat that was.

The way he was raised effected the way he raised me.  I came to understand his struggles through his stories and by the way he treated myself and my mother.  His was strict and could be mean but I am who I am due in part to what he brought to my life.  I adored him as a girl and resented him as a teenager… he was my father after all that’s sort of the way it works.  When he and my mother started having trouble she moved back to California after living with him for two years in Georgia.  Shortly after I got a cryptic phone call from him.  He just wanted to tell me that he loved my mother and always would and that I had always been his best friend.  He died of cancer 3 months later, one day after his 65th birthday, I was 18.

While listening to Obama’s speech last night I thought of Charlie and the life he lived and I wished he were still here to see how far this country has come.

I have always felt strongly about the civil rights movement in our country.  From a very early age I recognized that injustice and inequality existed around me.  Whether that knowledge came from my very liberal mother, being a mixed-race person myself, or from my stepfather who endured extreme prejudice first hand, I can’t say.  But I can say that electing a black president is a huge step in becoming a truly tolerate society.

The fight for civil rights is far from over though.  With the apparent passing of Prop 8 the majority of Califorians voted to take away basic human rights that are protected by our Constitution.  It’s a bittersweet day for those who believe in equality for all.  It is my sincere hope that the people who felt compelled to stand on street corners supporting a proposition that discriminated against others see the error in their ways.  The fact of the matter is that they are wrong just like the supporters of the old  Jim Crow Laws were wrong.   And although discrimination disguised as religious freedom (and funded by the Mormons of Utah… why should people of another state have a say in our laws!?) won this time I am confident that we will keep moving forward as a people and that the gay and lesiban community will soon have the same rights as the rest of us.

Ugh.  I have been having a rough couple of weeks.  Last week I spent Tuesday through Friday completely unable to bend my elbows thanks to a really hard training session on Monday.  I felt like I was channeling John McCain and Ramses just couldn’t help but remind me of that during the final debate last week, “Haha, you move like a creepy old man, eh? Eh?”  I can always count on my husband’s sympathy.  No matter how much I stretched the muscles they would immediately just tighten up again.  Simple morning rituals like putting in my contacts, brushing my teeth, and doing my hair and make-up were absolute torture. Thankfully I was 100% better for our Disneyland trip on Saturday (more on that in another post.)   Then this week I was knocked on my ass by some sort of killer cold that my loving brother was so gracious to share with me.  I am finally feeling better today and am looking forward to getting back on track next week.  I missed two days of work and both my training sessions.  So, I have lots of catching up to do.

During the same I-can’t-move-my-arms week I was bombarded by baby news.  Last Sunday we had a chance to see our “second-family” and even though I knew ahead of time that Shelly was pregnant when I hugged her we both started crying.  She told me that she wanted to tell me right away but was afraid that the news would hurt me.  Her concern over how her wonderful news would affect me was so touching and it reminded me of why I love them so much.  Then 4 days later I became a Great-aunt, my oldest nephew’s young girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy.  Finally, on Saturday during Matt’s birthday party Nikki cheerfully announced that her sister is pregnant as well.  And although I am happy for all of them the news hit me hard. . . I had a full week of baby blues.

I write a lot about my cancer but I tend not to write much about my miscarriage.  It was two years ago and when I think about it I still cry.  It’s difficult to describe the pain of losing a pregnancy, especially a well-planned and desparately-wanted pregnancy.  Unless someone has suffered the same loss it’s hard for them to understand.  The only thing I can equate it to is to imagine an engaged couple and for some reason the man dies just months before the wedding.  Would it be possible for the woman to hear of engagements or attend weddings without being overwhelmed by sadness?  Although she may be happy for the couple she would be reminded of what she lost and what will never be.  Sure, she can find love again but she will always mourn that loss and have an emptiness in her heart.

I truly appreciate when people acknowledge mine and Ramses’ loss.  It was (and still is) surprising the different reactions or lack thereof we experience from our family and friends.  From my Mother-in-Law staying away for 3 months before finally coming to see me then explaining that I couldn’t possibly understand how hard my miscarriage had been on her, to my own Mother breaking the news of my nephew’s pregnant girlfriend by prefacing it with “I know you are going to be mad but…”,  to the thoughfulness I experienced last Sunday.  She handled it perfectly and through the tears were we both able to laugh at the last ultrasound picture of the baby holding his hand in front of his face… just like his Uncle.  =)